99 Case Of Beer Proves Guys Are Dumbasses And Will Buy Almost Anything At Least once

So I guess this is taking the internet by storm. These guys who made a 99 Beer pack that you can buy for $99 dollars. Makes ZERO sense. It’s more expensive than buying a regular case of beer. The actual box is fucking absurd and won’t fit in your fridge or your car or stomach or anywhere. Buying a keg is cheaper and much more practical. Basically everything about this thing is fucking stupid and illogical. And that my friends, is EXACTLY why I would buy it. These guys are geniuses. They know that anybody with a penis who likes to drink will buy anything once. You want to put Vodka in a glass skull, I’ll buy it. You want to put Tequila in a cool machine gun bottle, I’ll fucking buy it. Create some new type of beer can that has better “air flow” and throw some fake science in my face and I’ll fucking buy that shit too. These guys get it. I don’t go into a liquor store expecting to buy a box of 99 beers but if it’s there, and it’s in my face, I’ll fucking buy it. Sometimes we’re that easy, and when I say sometimes I mean all the fucking time.

Meanwhile… In Korea

I don’t know what’s going on in the world of sports this week. Nothing seems right. If all of the NFL isn’t beating up their family, they’re getting hurt and ruining people’s fantasy teams. The Dodgers are getting their asses kicked by the Rockies by double digits. Mayweather is leaving no tip for us fellow bartenders. Shit is upside down. Enter Korea. I know America is the greatest country in the world. And Hawaii is a very distant second, but who wouldn’t trade for a system where you could get away with this? I wish somebody would egg Roger Gooddell’s dome. Line up every starting pitcher not named Ryu, Greinke or Kershaw and have a fucking chicken shit firing squad. Maybe this GIF is distracting me from the point of even posting this because I swear I fucking had a point to this post, trust me. But after like the 27th time you watch this GIF, you can’t really think properly anymore. My train of thought.. wait hold on. He’s throwing it again.

LOVE the face of his neighbor right after. Perfect, “HEY DON’T THROW THAT EGG AT Hhh… ” face

Floyd Mayweather Made 32 Million Dollars Last Weekend, But Didn’t Leave Tip On a $23,000 Tab?

Source-How much is an athlete indebted to tip someone? Should it proportional to the check like every other human being, or should it be proportional to their net worth? These questions have been a point of contention lately following the 20-cent tip that LeSean McCoy left a waiter in Philadelphia last week for what he claimed was poor service. The latest culprit is Floyd Mayweather Jr., who cleared $32M in his victory over Marcos Maidana over the weekend. Not a bad payday for Mayweather, right? Unfortunately, according to a waitress who served him at Rehab at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas on Sunday, Mayweather wasn’t willing to share the wealth. The waitress, named Nik Nyugen, claimed that Mayweather walked into the club with about 150 people, and ordered over $23K in alcohol and food. However, Mayweather didn’t pay a cent. The hotel ended up comping him for the service, and, whether out of ignorance or a lack of empathy, Mayweather decided not to leave Nyugen any sort of tip. TMZ Sports reports that Nyugen works two jobs, and was dealt a recent personal blow with the death of her father. Meanwhile, Money Mayweather continues to get paid. But should Floyd have left a courtesy tip? Or was he free to walk away since the bottles were comped? Either way, it’s time to set a bar for this sort of thing.

So what’s the verdict here, folks? Is Mayweather one of those cheap rich people that anytime your friends see they say some stupid shit like, “Oh yeah. That’s how you get rich. Those people that don’t tip, that’s how you get rich. They know how to spend their money.” Well I’m going to have to side with Floyd on this one. Not saying that he was right for not leaving any tip, because for SURE that was not fucking cool. But this just might be more evidence that Floyd Mayweather is just one tiny ignorant ass person that doesn’t understand that even when your bill is comped, you should tip your servers for the work they did. Like no chance that it ever dawned on him. This is a guy that doesn’t know how to read. Same guy who when asked about all the times he used his boxing skills to beat the shit out of women responded with, “only God can judge me.” I mean his best friend is Lord Justin fucking Bieber. It’s not the fact that he didn’t tip, maybe he’s just too simple minded to know that he should have. Floyd gets a pass on this one.

Guy Orders Pizza Right Before Pizza Parlor Closes, Walks In To Kid Wiping His Balls On His Pizza

Source-Angered that a customer called in a pizza order right before closing time, a Texas teenager allegedly rubbed his genitals on the patron’s pie as he prepared the takeout order, police allege.Brent Bradley told cops that when he arrived at Papa Murphy’s pizza in Georgetown, a city 25 miles north of Austin, he spotted worker Austin Michael Symonds “rubbing his testicles on the pizza he had ordered,” according to a criminal complaint detailing the September 2 incident.When confronted by the customer–who was there to pick up a large stuffed pie with Canadian bacon, pineapple, and extra cheese–the 18-year-old Symonds immediately apologized. “Man, I am really sorry, that was stupid,” Symonds said, according to the complaint.Bradley then asked Symonds how old he was. After the teenager answered that he was 18, Bradley said, “So you are old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone’s pizza.” “Yes,” said Symonds.In a recorded call with a store manager the following day, Symonds reportedly copped to adding the unwanted topping. Symonds again apologized, adding that he “did what he did because the customer had called in the order right before closing time.”During a police interview, Symonds “admitted to rubbing his testicles on Mr. Bradley’s pizza,” according to the complaint sworn by Detective Chris Brown. Symonds acknowledged that he “probably” would have given Bradley his order had the patron not seen his scrotum on the pizza. “That’s the terrible part,” Symonds told cops.Symonds has been charged with tampering with a consumer product, a second-degree felony. Brown noted that “substances such as fecal matter can be transferred by sweat to the scrotum and could have transferred to the pizza when Symonds rubbed his scrotum on the pizza.”

I can relate with this kid on so many levels. Been about a month since I got my second job working at a bar. If you have ever worked in the service industry for even a second, you know that people who come in late or stay past closing are the absolute fucking worst scum of the earth. All you want to do is go home or grab a couple beers with your buddies after standing for 6 hours and here comes someone calling into your pizza joint looking to extend your day by another hour or so. THAT’s why this kid should get a get out of jail free card here. There is an invisible unspoken rule in life that if you call to order something right before that restaurant is about to close, you’re more than likely to get ball sweat smeared into your food. It’s like bunting on a perfect game. Slap to the face. If you come in at closing or act like a dickface to your waiter/waitress, somebody will play with your food before it comes to your table. On the flip side of things, does it suck for the guy who walked in on some adolescent teenager wiping his newly dropped ballsack over his supreme pizza? Of course. But if he had a remote hint of common sense, he’d realize this was going to happen regardless. The kid’s just doing what millions of teenagers working shit jobs before him have done. It’s like a rite of passage, who are you to be angry at that?

Always Close The Porn Tab. ALWAYS

One of the many requests I get is for more personal stories. More specifically tales from the cubicle. Now there has been a shit load of drama in the office these days, but it’s not anywhere near as embarrassing or as funny as the story I’m about to share. So I live in a duplex off near Venice and Arlington. It’s a normal house, split straight down the middle with a door in the front for the main entrance and a door in my room, which is in the way back, which also happens to be where the parking is. So everytime anybody parks in the back, they come through my room to get into my house. Now this past couple weeks has been crazy. I literally have been too busy to watch porn. The last time I watched porn was before Hawaii, which is like fucking 11 years in blue balls time. And I’m not getting laid every day so it’s natural to watch some porn. Literally every fucking guy in the galaxy watches porn. Hunter gatherers in African villages crouch in tall grass and sin through ancient drawings on rocks. North Koreans take Calendars into their communist restrooms to rub one out. These are all facts, so I’m not alone here. Anyways I leave some porn on the laptop, headphones, tube sock and all, go outside to smoke a cigarette, come back inside to find that my family member has come home. THROUGH MY ROOM. With a friend. With the laptop in full view.

I’d rather have got caught with steaming shit in my pants than how I felt. Thankfully it was normal porn. Blonde chick in cowgirl position. Luckily the mood didn’t strike to watch some freaky shit. And most importantly, it wasn’t my mom. Yes, Pardongme still lives with his mom. Fuck off. This family member just has the most unfortunate luck in the world. Worse than mines. It’s the second time they’ve caught me doing some embarrassing shit pertaining to sex. 4 years ago, I was dating someone and we came home in the middle of a Saturday to have coitus. Had no idea this person was home. Again, you have to enter and exit the parking lot through my room so usually I’m pretty good about hiding my sins. Unfortunately we happened to be in the canine position when this family member started making their way to their car. Walks in with a full view of my ass and it turns out my partner is her friend. Always, always close the porn tab.

Excessive Heat Warning in the Los Angeles Area

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“Dangerously hot weather expected through Tuesday.A strong ridge of high pressure will maintain very hot weather and near record temperatures today over much of the area today. Heat Index values are expected to rise to between 100 and 110 degrees during the late morning through early evening hours in the valleys of Los Angeles and Ventura Counties and in the Santa Monica Mountains. Hot Weather is also expected in lower elevations of the mountains and across the Antelope Valley, with highs between 98 and 105 degrees. Across the coastal plain, highs will generally range from the 80s at the beaches to the 90s to near 100 degrees across interior sections.”

I consider Los Angeles the best city in the world. Scientific studies have spent years in turning this theory into proof. The Supreme court has ruled this to be true the same way tomatoes are considered vegetable by law. Even Biggie decided to escape the streets of New York to rest his soul on good ol’ Wilshire street. From our women, to our women, and to our Mexican food, there’s really nothing that can top Los Angeles when it comes to being the best city in the world, except this motherfuckin heat. It’s bad enough we have that imaginary ring that all the earthquake niggas have, but this fuckin heat is absolutely unbearable. 110 degrees is no condition for a Mexican immigrant to be selling oranges on the side of the street. They wouldn’t be able to sell flowers on the freeway entrances because the heat will dry the roses up. I can’t even have sex in this weather because the heat and vagina combination will damn near melt my dick off. I feel sorry for all dogs who are along in their apartments probably thinking that the owners forgot to turn the heater off. Do I have a point to this entry? No. I’m just making a Facebook status complaining about the heat a little longer and posting it here instead.

What did we do to deserve this heat? The only answer I can come up with is that God’s trying to melt the ugly off Pardongme like the melting Mudman in Batman. I guess the sake of humanity can either suffer from his constant display of ugly looks, or the fuckin 110 degree heat.

I’ll take the heat.

Want To Have Huge Tits Instantly? Here’s The Tutorial

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Hey guys listen, first and foremost I am NOT a fan of fucking false advertising. You take a girl home and go to take her huge bra off and socks start flying everywhere like when you open up the door to the drying machine, that’s not fucking fair. If you had expectations of tig old bitties in your face and when the time comes, you’re not getting them, that just plain old stinks. All that aside, in the heat of the moment, when it comes down to it, when the clothes come off and your dick is hard, you absolutely 1000% do NOT care. HUGE, regular, tiny, you’re just happy this lady is about to let you put your penis inside of her. And what’s even MORE important, even though this was all an illusion, everyone at the bar or party who saw you with her still thinks you’re about to have buttsecks with the blonde bitch who had the HUGE rack. So even though you probably won’t be able to motorboat those warlocks like you thought you would or the bounce won’t be as glamorous as you pictured in your head, bottom line is that you’re still getting credit for nailing the chick with great tits.

That’s all that matters. Its more important than ACTUALLY nailing the chick with great tits, you know? You’re still having the sex with the lady anyways. It’s just fire to the fuel when everyone is like, “YEAH! Pardongme just fucked that skinny version of Kate Upton. HIGH FIVES EVERYWHERE.” Just like she has the reputation of being a girl with humongous tits even though she doesn’t, you get the rep for fucking chicks with huge tits and maybe that comes around to benefit you, even though she doesn’t. What more could you possibly ask for? Again, it would be pretty fucking nice if they were actual boob real estate and not bras with Hanes, but who cares. They look great. She’s happy and confident, and so are you. At this point nobody even knows the truth except the two of you and by that point, you’re balls deep in buttsecks. That’s a win win in my book.

Kanye West Stopped Rapping Mid Concert Because A Guy In A Wheelchair Wouldn’t Stand Up

TMZ- Kanye West refused to continue performing Friday night at his Australian concert until someone in the crowd stood up with everyone else … problem is, the person was in a wheelchair.Kanye was playing a gig at the Qantas Credit Union Arena in Sydney when he stopped rapping mid-song … ordering the crowd to get on their feet before he’d continue.An eyewitness told the Daily Mail Australia that Kanye said, “I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and s**t.”One person in the crowd waved their prosthetic leg in the air and Kanye said they could sit.Shortly after Kanye spotted another person in the crowd sitting down and once again stopped the show — then sent one of his employees into the crowd to make sure the person was handicap.Once the hired gun confirmed the disability … Kanye said “it’s fine” and rapped on.We also spoke with someone in the crowd … and they say Kanye clearly didn’t mean to offend — the whole thing is just being blown out of proportion.

Makes total sense. Well now I just feel bad. Sorry, Soowoopcuhz. Didn’t know you didn’t find my blogs funny. I guess you’re the 1% of the world that just doesn’t understand humor. Oh well, your loss. Makes complete perfect sense to me now. If you don’t know how to laugh, how is it my fault? I couldn’t see you from where I blog. Pardon the interruption people. Let me just continue. Soowoopcuhz, you don’t have to laugh. Just keep being boring and stale. We understand.