Koreatown Night Market




If you don’t know what the Koreatown Night Market is, no big deal. It’s only the biggest festival in Koreatown this year where fat people come to eat really good food. Loudmouse will be manning a booth with our good friends over at Timeless. It’s located at Robert F Kennedy school, where the man got shot in the face. If that doesn’t ring a bell, if you’re on Wilshire and Alexandria, you’ll see a bigass school that looks like it houses X-Men and other fellow mutants. We’re in booth B8 and we’ll be dropping a limited run of our exclusive beanies. Won’t be hard to miss.

This Is Why Nick Young Is My Favorite Laker

It’s no secret that I hate the Lakers. Don’t know what it is, but something in my DNA won’t allow me to like them. But that goes without saying, watching Swaggy P and Jodie Meeks shoot 50 times a game was nothing short of entertaining. A lot more fun than last years Lakers team even with Dwight on it.

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Before I go on any further, I had to rewind like 6 times to understand what the fuck he was saying.

At the last home game, you addressed the fans. Some people thought Pau should have. What are your thoughts on that?
I’m the star! I AM Swaggy P. See what I’m going into this car with.

Where’s the weed at?
It’s in the bappack.

What do you think about people calling for D’Antoni’s job?
It’s a damn. Damn shame what happened to D’Antoni.

I get it. If he comes back for another season of this ridiculous cockiness, he just may convert me to the purple and gold. I just want to invite him and Gilbert Arenas over my house for some free for all Fisher Price H-O-R-S-E. I want to play with Iggy Azalea’s ass. I want to leak information about my coach getting sacked.



PS. I don’t get it. I really don’t.

Grand Opening Brunch Restaurant Called Flour On 3rd And New Hampshire

One of my favorite things in the world has to be brunch. 1) Pussy 2) Revenge 3) Brunch. In that order. To be quite honest, I can’t tell the difference between brunch and breakfast except for the fact that they’re still serving eggs and shit after 11. It’s pretty much breakfast for fat lazy people like me. Plus since we’re going to be manning our booth at the Koreatown Night Market beginning at 2, why not get up a little bit earlier and grab some brunch. 3525 3rd St. It’s on the same block as Lock and Key except on the exact opposite side. Same plaza as Metro PCS. That Captain Crunch thing sounds like it’s going to tickle the shit out of my taste buds.

You can RSVP here.

Would You Let This Massage Therapist Touch You?

Source-A 51-year-old licensed massage therapist from Englewood was arrested and charged with inappropriate sexual activity with a woman who came to a spa where he was working for treatment , authorities said Wednesday.Felipe D. Cruz was charged with one count of sexual assault and one count of criminal sexual contact, said Bergen County Prosecutor John L.Molinelli.Detectives from the prosecutors Special Victims Unit and the Englewood police arrested Cruz Tuesday after a customer of the D2 Day Spa complained that he had inappropriately fondled her during a massage session, Molinelli said.The woman halted the session, then contacted police in Englewood, who referred the matter to the prosecutor’s office, Molinelli said, adding that Cruz had worked for D2 Day Spa as an independent contractor for about a year.Cruz was held in the Bergen County Jail on $75,000 bail and ordered to surrender his passport and have no further contact with the woman, Molinelli said.

Ladies, listen up. If you ever let the man in that picture massage you, then you deserve anything and everything coming your way. If there were ever somebody I took a glance at and instantly thought, yeah he’s a fucking fondler, it’s this man right here. His beard looks like infinite grey ramen noodles before they’re cooked. This guy just oozes raper vibes. I’d hesitate emptying my shopping cart on the conveyor belt if he was bagging my groceries, let alone go near him in a private room. And you can’t even blame the guy. It’s like when those idiots put their faces in the mouth of an alligator and everyone starts overreacting when it bites down. Need to take some responsibility here. Can’t get a massage from the most suspicious looking guy ever and then get startled when he starts massaging your vagina with his hands. You know how they say don’t judge a book by it’s cover? Sometimes you can judge a book fucking perfectly by looking at it’s cover.

Would You Suck A Fart Out Of Her Ass: Kate Mara

I just finished watching season 1 of House of Cards and let me tell you, I am fucking impressed. The show itself is awesome. It’s like Game of Thrones without the action, which actually sounds like it would suck but this show kicks ass. And the cherry on top of such a great show is this little beautiful bad bitch. People are always asking each other, “what’s your type or woman? What do you look for in a man? Name a celebrity you could see yourself with” Well my new answer is Kate Mudderfucking Mara. Or Zoe Barnes, as I know her. She has that sultry fuck me face along with some sort of suspicious look that seems as if she’s hiding something. That condescending smile that has a pity feel to it. She drives me wild. Take what I say very seriously, ladies. If you watch House of Cards you WILL become a lesbian. That is a fact.

Edit: I watched like 3 more episodes after I wrote this and Zoe Barnes just got pushed in front of a subway train. I don’t know how I feel about her anymore.



I quit. I’m joining One Direction. Peace out, bitches.

This Is Why Everybody Needs To Shut The Fuck Up About Puig Not Caring About the Dodgers

The whole game, if you’re willing to watch 50 minutes of video game baseball.

Look at his fucking face? Does that look like the face of someone who doesn’t care about his team? He knows how important this game is. Left fielder vs Left fielder. Dodgers vs Giants. He knows whats at stake here. Comes into the game already short handed. The fucking video game makers are giving Hunter Pence advice in English and cheerleading like little girls when clearly they know that Puig’s English is so bad he probably struggles ordering food at Mcdonalds. The only words I ever hear him saying are, “cmon Hanley, cmon Matt (Matt Kemp) cmon Dee, gogo Gonzo, let’s go PUIG” while Yasiel steals like 20 bases on him. Plus if you think about it, Puig grew up in fucking Cuba. Doubt he even knew what a television was until he landed in America. Probably blew his mind the first time he touched an iPhone. How does that feel Hunter the semen demon Pence. You just lost 12-1 to somebody who doesn’t know English, has had the poor for 90% of his life, is your mortal enemy and probably has a cock 7 inches longer than yours.

Don’t ever want to hear these stupid analysts talking shit because he went clubbing and showed up late to a game so he doesn’t care about the Dodgers. Enough of him overrunning the base paths or swinging on the first pitch every time. This kid bleeds blue. To just murder like this the day before Jackie Robinson day? Absolutely love the cockiness. Talking all that shit when nobody understands one fucking word coming out of his mouth. Love how Hunter Pence is giving up home runs and saying sore loser sayings like, “I didn’t even press that button. Why did it do that?” While Puigs just jibber jabbering “AH YOO HOOOOOO.”

PS. Whoever his new PR person is, still sucks at their job. I swear his Instagram is just filled with poor people posts. Things I would post. At least it’s still a huge upgrade from last season. Remember when he first came to the league and he kept posting pictures of him wearing the same red Hugo Boss shirt in every fucking picture?

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Favorite Wheel Of Fortune Contestant I’ve Ever Come Across


You know what would be pretty funny? If someone spelled out the entire phrase on Wheel of Fortune and still got it wrong because he didn’t pronounce it correctly. Oh wait. Or what if he forgot that the word “car” has a fucking R in it? Oh no no no. I know. D_C_S_ _ N. Fill in the blanks. DICESPIN! Bet you this guy got a fucking perfect in the math section and everywhere else of the SAT besides the part where you use context clues and shit. You’ve got to feel pretty stupid to lose to his guy. Oh wait. He still made it to the final round. And as lana tells me, to nobody’s surprise, he didn’t guess the last puzzle correctly. Still sadly, this isn’t even the funniest Wheel of Fortune answer I’ve seen. That still belongs to this guy.

Guess Who Won’t Be Watching The ESPY’S This Year

Before I go on I’d like to explain how holy the ESPY’s are to me. I love sports more than you love your mother. Some sports more than others, some not even at all. But when it boils down, if you’d say sex or sports, I’d live the rest of my life jacking off into tube socks. And that’s the honest truth. The ESPY’s, as shallow and insignificant as they might be, is a platform where all sports are judged on an somewhat equal scale. Athlete of the year. Whether they be in the NBA, MLB, NHL, NFL, MLS. Team of the year whether they play soccer, baseball, cricket, badminton. Whatever the sport, whatever the team, whatever the player might be, it’s one hell of a holy event to me. Black people have the BET awards, white people have the CMA country music awards, regular people have the Oscars. I have the ESPY’s. A watered down version, but still the only awards show out there that recognizes athletes on a grand scale.

This may be the first year in I don’t even know how long I may have to miss it. And it’s because of this man right here. Don’t know if I can stand him hosting it. Want the explanation? I’ll just let the pictures do the talking.

University of Kentucky played UConn in the mens NCAA basketball championship. UK lost to Uconn 60-54.

Before the game

After the game

Drake and NBA players

Mike B’s New Music Video Will Change Your Life. Probably

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Remember before the internet? When you used to meet with your friends at nutrition and talk about what new music video you saw on BET or MTV the day before? When anticipating the song itself was just as exciting as the music video? We don’t have that anymore. It’s just fucking ecstasy rave music in everything. People downloading music and not knowing what the fuck the rapper/singer even looks like. Can’t even say anything myself because I thought Kendrick Lamar was Mexican the first 4 times I listened to him. It sucks that nobody gives a fuck about music videos anymore. SIKE. I anticipate Mike B music video’s no less than back in those days. Because nobody brings more shit to the table than him. As fire as his songs are, his music videos are always on par. If you haven’t watched the video, you probably have the gay or you just don’t like music. If you want to hear this on repeat on a nonstop loop click here.

Which brings something up completely unrelated. This reminds me of my life before I got cable. I had heard the whispers about how great Nickelodeon and the music videos on MTV were. The legends of BET and WWF on cable, never getting to experience it myself. And there I was. Pardongme, having the poor with the remote stuck on 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11 and sometimes 13. Then we got cable and the hype did not disappoint. Probably can trace the root of the reason behind me having to wear glasses to that day.

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PS. Wow. That shot with the woman who owns the store with all the pants from Swap Meet off Western. I saw her last Saturday and she said I got fat. That sweet old woman still remembers me.

PPS. Speaking of crossovers. Who saw this gem last night?