Clowns With Sex Toys Arrested For Attacking People At Haunted House

Source- Halloween is the time for boo-scares and playful gore, creepy music and fear of the shadows — what is that behind you?! And of course, haunted houses. Some of them aren’t for the faint of heart (they even come with warning notices), but for many of us, we just have to make sure we go pee before entering so our fright doesn’t turn into red-faced embarrassment when we exit. Yikes. Onehaunted house worker, however, is accused of taking his job at scaring people to the extreme when he and a friend dressed as scary clowns tormented a mother and her high school-aged daughter along with her friends with dildos. Thirty-eight-year-old Regina Janito filed a lawsuit against haunted house employee Robert Keller, 23, and his unnamed accomplice saying that the men tormented her and her daughter and three of her daughter’s friends with dildos. Janito said that when they were about to go into the Massacre Haunted House in Montgomery, Illinois, the men dressed in bloody clown costumes attacked them.

Wait hold on, so this guy works at the fucking haunted house? OHHH. Well that changed everything. When I first read that headline I thought some random dude dressed as a bloody clown just showed up and started poking chicks with a gigantic purple vibrator. Would’ve been pretty fucking strange and warranted an arrest I guess. But this dude is on the pay roll? Ladies, quit your bitching PLEASE. This is EXACTLY what you signed up for. You didn’t go to the haunted house to have a nice dinner and to be treated with respect. You go to a haunted house to be scared shitless, and yeah, maybe get poked by a dildo or two which is probably pretty terrifying. That’s what haunted houses are all about. You go in not knowing what’s going to happen or what you’re going to see. The second you hand over your money and agree to walk into the house all bets are off. Your ability to say “I don’t want them to use these props because it makes me feel uncomfortable” effectively ends right then and there. Otherwise you might as well be going to an open house showing. That’s like going to a strip club and complaining about all the nakedness. Pay your $8 or whatever, walk into the house and be threatened with a dildo by a clown and quit crying. Enjoy yourself.

PS. How old is too old to be scared of haunted houses? I’m 25 26 and would rather walk into a burning building with no exit. That’s the truth. Haunted houses are fucking terrifying. I went to one as a kid and got so scared I never entered another one. I love Halloween because of the candy and chicks wearing slutty costumes but I can’t put it anywhere near my top 10 just based solely on my fear of Haunted Houses/mazes. That and the fact that we still have to fucking work.

PPS. These court documents are downright fucking hilarious.

Woman Sets Her Roommate on Fire Over a Thrown-Out Plate of Spaghetti

Source-Clearwater, FL police say 33-year-old Melissa Dawn Sellers was taken into custody this week after she went a little overboard and called her roommate some names she regretted the next morning. Just kidding, she lit him on fire!Police say Sellers and her roommate, 42-year-old Carlos Ortiz Jr.—spoiler alert!!!—had both been drinking when Ortiz broke the cardinal roommate rule of not fucking with the other person’s food.Sellers apparently went into a rage when she realized Ortiz had thrown out her spaghetti and meatballs, which she had presumably kept in the fridge for a week or two but fully planned on eating at some point, so if you need more space, Carlos, why don’t you just clean out your own damn shelf and shut the hell up?And then she lit him on fire.Reports Bay News 9:”She was setting little objects on fire, then that turned into pouring nail polish remover all over him, and then all of a sudden, the lighter sparked and he lit on fire,” said Causevic.Causevic said she threw water on Ortiz and tore his shirt off, trying to put out the fire.”When he got up, his face was like melting off, it was pink and sore,” said Causevic. “His lips were burning.”Ortiz was taken to Tampa General Hospital, where he is listed in critical condition with burns to his face, chest and shoulders.

Um so what are we reading exactly here? Because as far as I can tell, this guy got exactly what he deserved. You don’t get in between fat drunk people and food. Oil and water bro. Don’t come crawling back to her looking for sympathy trying to glue your lips back onto your face. I mean I guess there is a SLIGHT exaggeration from Melissa’s reactions, but at the same time, where the fucking fuck do you get off throwing away other people’s stuff, huh? Just take a perfectly fine gourmet Italian dish out of the fridge and toss it in the garbage? You made you chief of the waste disposal, chief? Number 1 on any given roommate agreement. If it’s not yours, don’t fucking touch it. Simple.

PS. That face and mole will haunt me the next time the words “Spaghetti” or “Andres” is brought up.

Mollywhopped: Hollywood Batgirl Gets Laid Out By The Guy From The Incredibles

Can I ask a question? Where the fuck is Batman? Taking a piss at Lids or at one of the dirty dog vendors?! Your girl sidekick is getting pummeled in the fucking street bro. You may want to keep an eye out on her. See this is what superheros don’t get. When you don the Batgirl costume you have a reputation to uphold. It’s no longer just about you. You’re representing Batgirl’s everywhere. So if you’re going to get in a fight you better fucking win.

PS. Worst fucking caption ever. Chewbacca didn’t stop shit. As far as I can tell from this Nokia flipphone camera footage, she got socked pretty fucking hard in the beginning and then about 20 seconds later she gets punched again only to be combo-ed with a judo flip before a black guy, who I assumed was Captain America, comes to the rescue. Can’t have Freddy Kreuger and Waldo stop Mr Incredible. Everybody knows Freddy Kreuger is fucking useless when we’re not sleeping.

PPS. Yesterday was national Super Hero day?

Bill Murray Doesn’t Use Tinder Because In Real Life Anybody He Chooses Wants Him Back

Well that was awesome, the fact that it was a dude was a little weird although I’m pretty sure sure even Bill Murray could convince me gay sex is sweet as fuck, but the point remains. Bill Murray basically admitted that Tinder for him makes no sense because he can walk into a room, simply say “Hi I’m Bill Murray” and basically hook everyone on his “you’re about to have sex with me” fishing line. Can you even imagine having that type of cult of personality? He’s old, he’s not great looking, but he still knows at any point in time he can turn on the Bill Murray charm and steal everyone’s girlfriend. What a life. What a fucking life.

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Cool Black Kids Needed

Craigslist (this is actually a real Craigslist ad)

Um. Can you say mom of the year? Seriously, this is parenting 101. Is your Kid a little pansy piece of shit that gets bullied all the time? Buy him some black people. Wait that came out wrong. Rent him some black people. And I may be an extreme optimist but I think this mom just solved bullying in America. We need a black kid rental system. You show up to a pre-determined spot, pick up your black friend, walk around school with them, make sure everyone sees you, then when the day is done you properly return your black kid to it’s initial spot so someone else can rent him at a later date. And I’m sure some people will say this is racist but it’s really not. It’s just being open about race. Black kids are far cooler than white kids and no one bullies a white kid cool enough to roll in the black crew. That’s just a fact. You may not want to say it out loud but it’s a stone cold truth. You want to stop getting bullied, you rent a black kid. Someone contact Shark Tank, we’re about to be billionaires.

PS. This is definitely the type of mom who will buy this kid a hooker when he turns 17 so he can lose his virginity and that is awesome.

Teen Gives Up Cash Prize of $10,000 To Meet Neymar. Is There Anyone You’d Rather Meet Than Take 10 Grand


Source-A soccer mad teenager gave up a prize of $10,000 to meet her idol, Neymar da Silva Santos Jr. — the Brazilian soccer player.Rhiannon Conelly, 16, an Americas High School junior from El Paso, Texas is so in love with the beautiful game that she forfeited the cash prize for a chance to go to Spain to meet the player instead.She won a contest sponsored by the Brazilian soft-drink firm Guaraná Antarctica and the goalie will travel to Spain next year to meet Neymar.But her decision has not gone down well with her family and friends, who think that she should have taken the cash prize and forgotten all about meeting Neymar.She told The El Paso Times: ‘I just wanted to meet Neymar, I thought that was more important than the $10,000. Everyone disagrees with that, but I’m sticking to my guns.Today, she is looking forward to her upcoming meeting in 2015.’It feels good. I mean to go to Spain and meet your idol, it feels awesome.’The teenager will take her mom and her coach along with her.Her personal coach Gerardo Alvarez said he was happy to be included in the trip. He added that he had no doubt that Conelley would meet Neymar some day, it was only a matter of time.’She’s pretty good at what she does,’ he said. ‘The star was going to meet the rising star.’ Neymar, the Brazilian soccer player is known among fans worldwide for his flamboyant hairstyles, fancy footwork and character – which dazzles followers of the Brazilian national soccer team.At just 22-years-old, he is already ranked as one of the most interesting players to watch.

Ah to be young and naive. When getting autographs actually meant something and all athletes were superheroes. Now all you care about is money and pussy. Well I do anyways, and I don’t have either. But to impart some wisdom on this girl, she has to have NO idea what she’s getting herself into. This is going to be instant regret when she’s in college or 26 years old. She’ll think back on it and go, “fuck. All Neymar did was say hi to me, follow me on Instagram and shoot a couple soccer balls that were absolutely easily blockable to boost my ego. Then he lied to me and said I was good at soccer. Fuck him.” All the while waking up Sunday morning with a bad hangover opening her Bank of America app thinking how much she could use that 10k right there. That’s called real life.

But it gets you thinking, is there anyone in the entire work worth passing up $10,000 to meet? And there’s no guarantee they’re gonna like you or they’re gonna be nice to you. It could be Power 106 offering you brunch with Kendrick Lamar and he could eat his omelettes and country potatoes with his back turned to you the entire time, turning around for the occasional, “pass the hot sawce.” No pictures. No autographs. Just eggs florentine and greek yogurt with the back of Kendrick Lamar’s head. Would that be worth 10 grand?!

Or how about Sports Illustrated giving you the option of 100 hundred dollar bills or watching Kate Upton circa 2009 in a photoshoot. The catch is, you have to shut the fuck up and just watch. If you take out your phone, you’re kicked out. If you pop a boner, the security guard picks you up by your shirt and Uncle Phil, Jazz tosses you from the shoot. If you sneeze while the film is rolling, you get slapped with a pizza. All you can do is shut your insignificant meaningless life on that used movie seat chair and watch. That worth 10 grand?

Not to be all cynical, but these celebrities are human beings much like you and me. When people approach me and go, “OH SHIT YOU’RE PARDONGME!” which has never happened, but play along. I always picture myself being annoyed and playing nice just so I don’t lose a fan. But then in this fake scenario the people turn really irritating and vexatious and I end up reenacting Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. “I mean funny, like I’m a clown? I amuse you. I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? Whattya you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?” But then I’m not famous or ever will be. If there was a choice between meeting me and getting $10,000. No matter how big Loudmouse gets, I hope nobody is that senseless and naive to pick Pardongme.

Mollywhopped: Drunk Guy Gets Knocked Out For Slapping A Man With A Slice Of Pizza

Has there ever in the history of knockouts, been a more perfect example of, “getting what you deserve” than this knock out right here? Riddle me that. Slapping someone across the face with a slice of pizza is just about THE most humanly disrespectful thing I can possibly fathom. It’s rude to the person, it’s disrespectful to the pizza. Just a shameful and reckless act. And you can clearly see it in the guys face. He was so shocked by it. That’s the look of, “wait… did that guy just slap me in the fucking face with his pizza? Rather than eating a piping hot delicious cheesy slice of pizza and sit down to enjoy it, he slaps me in the face with it”. Then you can see his thoughts forming on his face. Weighs out the gravity of what just happened and going over the pros and cons of his next steps. Clearly arrives at, “Yes. This guy has to get knocked the fuck out. And I for one, am absolutely in this guys corner. There’s really only one reaction to getting slapped in the face with a pizza and that’s to punch the guys head directly off his shoulders. Kill him with your bare hands, grab your jacket and dip. Find another pizza joint to sober out at because the coroner is showing up any time now.

PS. You see this face?

Thats the look of “I should not have slapped that guy in the face with my pizza”

PPS. Hey Cameraman. Band of Brothers, you should rent it sometime

National Guard Investigating Bikini Models Sneaking Onto Base For Photo Shoot


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Source-The Utah National Guard and the Utah Department of Public Safety are now investigating an incident in which British bikini models sneaked into Camp Williams, a Utah National Guard site, and took pictures for a Hot Shots Calendar while they appeared in tanks and fired machine guns.The video of the five-minute long “behind the scenes” version of the June excursion was released on YouTube on Thursday. The scantily clad girls are shown shooting rifles and machine guns, showing of themselves in bunkers, hanging out in bunkers, riding in tanks, and cavorting in off-road military vehicles.The Salt Lake Tribune reported that the Utah National Guard investigation discovered that a non-commissioned officer with the 19th Special Forces Group permitted the models to enter the training site without authorization. One Utah National Guard spokesperson stated, “He should have moved it up the chain of command.”

Do you know who didn’t care about the Utah National Guard before this video? Everyone. Everyfuckingone on Earth. Know who immediately took notice and had instant respect for the Utah National Guard and started to take notice of the amazing work they’re doing after the release of this video? Every straight heterosexual man with a Youtube account on the planet. Pretty sure the PR worked. So maybe lay off the guys a little bit? Boobs, guns, tanks and butts. That’s literally America.

If You Haven’t Read Gone Girl Or Seen The Movie, You Need To Change That. Right Now

I haven’t read it or seen the movie either. I’m on like page 302 of 587 and this book is ruining my life. It’s hopelessly depressing. After hearing so many great things about it, I’m absolutely regretting starting the book because now I can’t not finish it. Watching a car accident happen in slow motion while everybody in the car is a pregnant woman or a child AND they are all orphans AND they have the cure to ebola memorized in their brains AND are the last of their Native American tribe. Just so horrible you don’t want it to happen, but you can’t look away. This quote down here is a glimpse into how seriously depressing this book is. One of the most well written pieces of literature I’ve come across. My blogging feels like a fucking joke halfway through this book.

PS. I used a “sick” day yesterday, ergo absent blogs.

“For several years, I had been bored. Not a whining, restless child’s boredom (although I was not above that) but a dense, blanketing malaise. It seemed to me that there was nothing new to be discovered ever again. Our society was utterly, ruinously derivative (although the word derivative as a criticism is itself derivative). We were the first human beings who would never see anything for the first time. We stare at the wonders of the world, dull-eyed, underwhelmed. Mona Lisa, the Pyramids, the Empire State Building. Jungle animals on attack, ancient icebergs collapsing, volcanoes erupting. I can’t recall a single amazing thing I have seen firsthand that I didn’t immediately reference to a movie or TV show. A fucking commercial. You know the awful singsong of the blasé: Seeeen it. I’ve literally seen it all, and the worst thing, the thing that makes me want to blow my brains out, is: The secondhand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle and the soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can’t anymore. I don’t know that we are actually human at this point, those of us who are like most of us, who grew up with TV and movies and now the Internet. If we are betrayed, we know the words to say; when a loved one dies, we know the words to say. If we want to play the stud or the smart-ass or the fool, we know the words to say. We are all working from the same dog-eared script.

It’s a very difficult era in which to be a person, just a real, actual person, instead of a collection of personality traits selected from an endless Automat of characters.

And if all of us are play-acting, there can be no such thing as a soul mate, because we don’t have genuine souls.

It had gotten to the point where it seemed like nothing matters, because I’m not a real person and neither is anyone else.

I would have done anything to feel real again.”

― Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

Lady Quits Her Day Job As A T.A. Because She Makes Bank Off Vine

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Source-There’s no reason to wake up and go to twerk every day unless you love your job.Jessica Vanessa didn’t mind her assistant teaching job at a Florida kindergarten, but she likes twerking on Vine a whole lot more — and there’s cash in the ass business.”What I make in six seconds would take me four months to make as a teaching assistant,” she told Barcroft TV.She has more than two million followers on the video-sharing site, and says she makes six figures a year doing this:Vanessa says she has been tormented over her life decision online, but has her family’s support and will continue her twerking career, according to Jezebel. Watch the WTFark video above to learn more.

American dream baby. Vanessa here was sick and tired of dealing with little shit kids all fucking day and decided to quit her job to pursue her career in vine comedy and boy was it a good decision because she is downright hilarious!

Just fucking kidding. She got all her followers from dropping ridiculous twerk videos and has managed to monetize that into making 6 figures. THAT’S 5 ZEROES. I’m not going to sit here and say that it’s unfair that she makes more money in a 6 second vine than I do in a year, or that shes a talentless and unfunny and would be nowhere without her fat lumpy cottage cheese ass, none of that matters. All I want to know is who is this guy and where can I apply?

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I mean look at that, so simple, no audio involved, only holding your thumb down for 6 seconds at a time and you get to stare at that ass day and night. Can you say dream job? Anyways, lets take a look at the tape and you tell me if she twerks hard enough to deserve 6 figures a year.