What’s Your New Years Revolution


This is just a rant because my boss is being a bitch and I cant blog properly at work this morning. New years fucking blows. Notice I said New Years and New Years eve. Now we all live with this batshit crazy mentality that at 12:01 tonight, some magical shit happens and we all have to be better people tomorrow. We set impossible standards for ourselves that we would normally never set. It’s a lot like how the gym world works. 99% of the time, if you don’t work out on Monday, you’re not going Tuesday or Wednesday or any day that week for that matter. It’s just how it works. So tonight at 12:01 were all supposed to lose weight, read more, cuss less, attend church, stop eating drugs and ruining our livers. I just don’t buy into it. But beginning Monday January 5th, you can bet your dick that I’m going to try as hard as I can in 2014 at some point I’m going to quit smoking, swear less, quit sportsbetting, attend church, eat more vegetables and try to get as much pussy as I possibly can.

Ariana Grande Reportedly Demands to Be Carried Around

jones carrying me off stage. post show ritual when my feet are broken. @jonescrow ❄️

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on

Source-The best rumor to come out of Hollywood this week is that pop tart diva Ariana Grande reportedly insists that he staff carries her around like a baby when she is just to damn tired to walk.”Her new rule is that she has to be carried — literally carried like a baby — when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” a source told Life & Style.The insider added that the “Problem” singer’s asked her staff to carry her while filming her “Love Me Harder” music video and during rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”Everyone was stunned,” the source added. “Ariana is such a diva.”These Instagram photos probably don’t help to squash that rumor.

The question really boils down to, what kind of lack of self respect must one have to carry another human being around like a mudderfucking baby? It’s one thing to carry an actual child or a loved one who’s been hurt/in some kind of emergency. If my wife is running the marathon and collapses, I’m absolutely pretending I’m in a Lifetime movie and hopping the metal barricade to carry her across the finish line. But to have the job title of, “Arianna Grande personal carrier”, where you’re expected to carry around another human being so their poor little feet will not touch the ground? That’s some slave shit. Like Egyptian, pyramid building, slave shit. I would need at least 6 digits minimum EASILY. If the who is carrying Ariana Grande around is making anything less than 6 figures or isn’t fucking her, he needs to find a new job. Just some things in life aren’t worth it, and being a personal human carrier is one of them.

Also, can’t hate on Ariana Grande for this, that’s just a total diva power move, you know who touches the ground? Poor people, that’s who. If I could eliminate walking from my life I would be about 10 billions times happier.

Two boys, aged 12 and 13, In Court For Robbing Bank With Toy Guns

Source-The youngsters fled without any cash after apparently losing their nerve, according to police in Israel.The boys, wearing hooded tops, were thought to have been pictured on CCTV entering the premises in the Tel Aviv suburb of Rishon Lezion.One appeared to have a schoolbag on his back and what was thought to be a rifle in his hand.Police spokesman Micky Rosenfeld said both were carrying fake M-16 assault rifles and they shouted “this is a hold-up”.He said: “They were toy guns but they looked real. The people in the bank were scared, but then the suspects ran out without taking any money.”Mr Rosenfeld said police were able to identify the children from the security footage and later arrested them.But lawyer Gil Gabay said the youngsters’ rights had been violated.He said: “We are talking about children aged 12 and 13 who were arrested last night.”They were investigated during the night against legalinstructions. They slept on a chair in the police station.”I think they should have been treated differently. I don’t think they should have been treated like criminals.”

Shouts to these kids for real. 12 and 13 and already robbing banks. When I was 12 I’m pretty sure i spent my entire time downloading music or porn off napster and kazza, meanwhile these kids are heisting banks with fake machine guns like you only see in music videos. I guess that’s the difference between here and Israel though. I think they age differently over there. Like a 12 year old there is the equivalent of a 21 year old here. By 12 in the Middle East you’ve already mastered how to arm a bomb at bombsite B, while at 12 over here you’re doing it on de_dust with a smoke grenade clearing up behind you until someone flashbangs you and rightclicks your face to a resounding “counter terrorists win.”

Pope Okays Dogs Going To Heaven

Source-Don’t worry, Old Yeller! Pope Francis promised dogs — and all the rest of “God’s creatures” — can make it to heaven. In an effort to console a grieving boy whose beloved pooch died, the Catholic head declared, “Paradise is open to all of God’s creatures,” during his weekly papal address.  “One day we will return to see our animals in the eternity of Christ,” he said, according to atranslation from Italian newspaper Resapubblica. The declaration opened the possibility that dogs, cats, horses and the rest of the animal kingdom could end up at the pearly gates alongside their people. In a 2008 sermon, Pope Benedict XVI explained that not all creatures “are called to eternity” and when non-humans die, their deaths mean “solely the end of existence on earth.” The move seemingly barred pets from paradise. Francis did not say if dogs could go to hell, too. His puppy pardon is the latest move in his campaign to make the Catholic church more inclusive and tolerant.

Look I’m not saying I needed the Pope to come out and say this. Everyone with a functioning brain already knows all dogs go to heaven. But its certainly nice to have that seal of approval from the fucking Pope, you know? I wonder if the Pope is having trouble finding new stuff to be the “Cool Pope.” He’s already bailed on the Popemobile. Just said fuck that bougie little go kart bubble thing and rides dirty with his hair blowing in the wind. He pretty much said that gays are cool now. Like maybe not in so many words but he definitely relaxed the catholics on that whole “you’re going to hell if you’re gay.” And now he’s letting dogs into heaven. Hes like the promoter at the club who gets everyone in. Talking to the bouncer at the door “These guys are with me… these guys are cool… let em in.” Gays, dogs, you’re all cool with the Pope.

There’s probably like a flood of Pups just rushing right through the Gates of Heaven right now. Rolling around in the clouds and humping each other and drowning in bones and treats. Dogs with never ending full bladders running around marking every inch of eternal paradise. Pope just made my day.

PS. I’m like 30 seconds away from buying a dog from Craigslist. Anyone know if that’s safe at all?

I Guess Santacon Is A Big Deal

Source-It has become one of the indignities of life in New York, like slow-walking, sidewalk-hogging tourists in Times Square, subway lunch-munchers, or the incessant circus whine of the ice cream trunk.Each Christmas season, hundreds of drunken revelers dressed up as so many Santa Clauses descend on New York in an event known as SantaCon. And we do mean drunken—in the keep your kids at home, pull the shades kind of drunken. Spotted at the annual saturnalia have been drugstore hand jobs Santa slamdowns and of course piles of puke speckled with the stray white beard bits of fake Father Christmas facial hair.So odious is the Yuletide Bacchanal that Whovilles across the city have united to keep the Santas at bay. First the Lower East Side said to stay away. When the Kringles decided like so many of their bearded brethren to decamp to Brooklyn, the residents of Bushwick, a neighborhood that only a few years ago was one of the most crime-ridden in the city, barred the partiers as well.

“All units, we have a 211 in progress at the Bank of America in the Financial District of downtown Los Angeles. Suspects are males, medium build, wearing Santa Claus costumes.”

Imagine robbing a bank during Santacon in New York or San Francisco? Can’t wait for Los Angeles to start following suit in this ridiculous tradition. Good fucking luck, coppers! Seriously I think I could rob like 10 banks and kill a dozen homeless people and get away with it Scot free. Every single asshole ages 21-35 is gonna be dressed as Santa tomorrow. Every dumb drunk bro in the city looks exactly the same and will be dressed exactly the same. Santacon is the time to strike if you’re a mastermind criminal. Not since Simon Gruber had the NYPD on a wild goose chase while he robbed the Federal Reserve has there been a better crime plot than robbing banks on SantaCon.

PS. Fighting on Santacon has got to be on some people’s minds. Having a shitty week? Want to throw a haymaker sucker punch at someones dome and get away with it? Matter of fact, I’m starting to convince myself at some point Santacon might just become The Purge.


Source-She’s loud, and she’s proud. Nothing — not the cops, not a judge’s order and certainly not her neighbors’ complaints — will stop Caroline Cartwright of Britain from screaming her head off during sex, the 53-year-old woman proclaims in a new documentary about people slapped with an Anti-Social Behavior Order. Cartwright got hers from a judge in 2010 and she continues to defy it, she proudly claims. The police have been called to her Sunderland home more than 30 times, she has been given two suspended jail sentences and she has violated a noise abatement order five times. She has even served some time behind bars over her sexual hollering. ”As far as I’m concerned, that’s what you should be doing,” she told Britain’s Channel 5 in a documentary titled “Asbo and Proud” that aired this week. ”I don’t see why I should stop having sex in my own house with my husband of 38 years,” she said.  The order bars her from screaming, shouting and “vocalizing” during sex. Caroline and her husband, Steve, have already broken an iron headboard in their raucous lovemaking sessions. Neighbors have complained that the sex noise is so loud, they can’t hear their televisions, and the din makes their lives “hell.” ”It’s not as if I’m having sex and think ‘Oh, I’m making too much noise. I better be quiet,”’ she said.

Let your freak flag fly, girl! Your husband is breaking you off with that Good Good and you just cant help it. No shame in that game.

I’ll tell you what the craziest part of this story is. Not the fact that this chick has been reported 30 times to police. Not the fact that she looks like Bellatrix Lestrange with an eating disorder and is still getting banged out on a regular basis. The craziest part of this story is this statement right here: “I don’t see why I should stop having sex with my husband of 38 years.” A) That means this chick got married when she was 15. And B) If you’re still having sex with your spouse after 40 fucking years of marriage there’s something wrong with you. Like that chick probably gave her first handjob to this dude when she was like 14. 15 they get married and they’re having sex. And now FOUR DECADES later they’re still fucking like a couple of teenagers. That’s cheeseburger with no cheese psychopath shit, man. 40 years of the same dick. 40 years of the same pussy. I am not even planning on LOOKING at my wife in 40 years, let alone getting an erection and putting it inside of her.

Neo Nazi Mauled By Lion at Barcelona Zoo after Jumping Into Exhibit

Source-This is the horrifying moment when a Spanish man risked his life by jumping into the lion enclosure at Barcelona Zoo. The 45-year-old has been left with serious injuries after he was mauled by three of the animals for about half-an-hour before he could be rescued. Dressed in military uniform, the man climbed over railings and began scaling one of the walls in the enclosure before being picked up by one of the animals and thrown into a pit. The 45-year-old was rescued around 30 minutes later, covered in scratches and bite marks. He was taken to the city’s Hospital de la Vall D’Hebron where he remains in a serious but not life-threatening condition. According to Spanish reports, the man climbed over fencing to enter the enclosure as horrified tourists watched on. Footage of the bizarre incident shows him scaling one of the enclosure’s walls before being tossed by the leg into a pit by a lioness. He emerged some 30 minutes later after fire fighters used hoses to fight the animals off of him. According to local reports, the man, named by El Pais as Justo Jose MP, is a neo-Nazi demonstrator. He was arrested last month in the city centre after draping banners emblazoned with Swastikas over the famous Casa Mila building in an anti-abortion protest. It is not known whether the incident at the zoo was a demonstration, though fire fighters said the man could not have entered the enclosure accidentally. ’The security system makes it impossiblef for a person to fall into the enclosure. It cannot have been by accident, to enter (the enclosure) you have to want to go in,’ said chief fire fighter of the Bomberos de Barcelona, Hector Carmona. While he emerged from the enclosure covered in bite marks and scratches, zoo keepers have insisted the lions were merely trying to play with him, Spanish news outlet 20minutos reports. ’The intention was not to kill him, they were just trying to play with him, Ignasi Armengol, director of Barcelona Municipal Services said.’

Love how it took 30 minutes to save this asshole. Like if thats some little girl who accidentally fell in somehow, they’re running in there guns blazing rescuing that girl in like 3 seconds. But a Neo-Nazi asshole purposely climbs in there and they take half an hour to get him out. They were probably like “Yea hang on just gotta fire off a couple emails, make a few phone calls, maybe squeeze in an episode of “Suits” on Netflix, then we’ll get around to the Hitler Lover who decided to go play in the lion cage. Love that picture of them trying to rescue him with the “fire hose.” Basically hitting him with the garden hose sprinkler to scare off the 9 thousand pound lion. Barcelona Zoo essentially did everything they could to let this Nazi dickhead die. Real shame the lions couldnt get the job done. Must be some skinhead bigot lions sympathizing with the Aryan cause.

Craigslist Man Searching for Homeless Girl Roomie for Baths and Bedroom Fun

Source-I work in the oilfield (mid 20′s) and have no time to date so I’m looking for a homeless girl that wants a place to stay . You do not need to work just cook clean and bedroom fun. I want someone I can chill with watch movies with and play PS4 with and gamer girls are a plus. You go from the streets to a big comfortable bed , hot bubble baths , and good food and a person to cuddle with on the couch. I want a girl to take to movies walks in the park , and to share hot coco with when the winter comes. You must be drug free and willing to stay that way. I have a high sex drive and love to cuddle. If this sounds like something you would be willing to try please send a couple pics to prove you are real and put the word “Home” in the title. You must swallow. I am real and it has been a little rainy lately, in fact it’s raining right now and all weekend!! Any RACE is fine under 25 preferred. Any older than that and you’ll come with an attitude and blame me for your situation…..!! Hope to hear from you soon. Thanks

Um. Riddle me this. Name ONE homeless girl you know that would turn this deal down. Yeah that’s right. You can’t. Wanna know why? This is a fucking STEAL for that hobo bitch. Don’t need to work, just cook clean and bedroom fun. Watch movies, play video games, drink hot chocolate, enjoy a big bed, bubble baths and cuddle. What sounds better: all that stuff, or being fucking homeless in the rain? So what if you gotta swallow. That’s a small price to pay for getting all those extra amenities.

I mean really, when you think about it, there are a lot of women out there that strive for this life. There are still plenty of women who want to just be trophy wives that stay at home. Just keep the home in order and keep the man happy in the bedroom and they get to live a nice comfortable cushy life for free. Now, the moment you become fucking homeless, you gotta think that dream is officially off the table. Who the fuck is gonna want you as a homemaker when you are such a disaster you literally don’t even have any sort of your own home? Shit, once you’re homeless you gotta be thinking “I’m never even gonna have sex again.” Well this guy is willing to turn a blind eye to that. Look past your homelessness. Look past your race. All you gotta do is put dinner on the table, fold the laundry, swallow his sperm, and do not blame him for your homeless situation. Like I said, that’s highway robbery for a homeless. Sign for that in a heartbeat.

Girl Tweets About Getting Arrested For Xanax And Having A Cute Mugshot

Source- DECEMBER 2–This week’s mug shot roundup opens with an 18-year-old North Carolina woman who was arrested on a pair of narcotics charges. The felony collar, however, did not seem to faze the teen, who took to Twitter to report, “Surrendered myself at 7 a.m., got released at 11:30 a.m. Fuck what you heard. And my mugshot’s cute.” When asked about her charges, she later tweeted, “xanax homie.”

Well she certainly was not wrong. Mugshot is for sure cute. That is the perfect word for it too. Shes not really “hot” in this picture. It’s not “sexy” per se. She’s just the cutest gawdamn Xanax dealer in the game. I mean imagine if this was your drug dealer? She could up charge me like 700% and I’d gladly pay it. Paying like 50 dollars a pill just because she’s so mudderfucking cute. Definitely need to see her on the Casting Couch or something like that.

Fuck what you heard. Straight xanax homie. And the cute mugshot. As cocky as it gets.