Source- Josh vs. John! Katherine Heigl is beautiful and successful, but surprisingly, it took some convincing to get husband Josh Kelley to commit. The State of Affairs actress revealed to the entire world (she’s still blushing!) that she once threatened to date John Mayer in order to snag her longtime beau during The Meredith Vieira Show. ”Around the same time I met Josh, I also met John Mayer,” the actress, 35, said during her upcoming episode. “John Mayer and I are from neighboring towns and knew some of the same people. My Josh had gone off on tour and was playing hard to get. So I didn’t know — are we a thing? Are we a couple?” As Heigl pondered the question, she also found herself spending more time with Mayer, who’s previously dated Jessica SimpsonJennifer AnistonJennifer Love HewittTaylor Swift, and Katy Perry. Though the relationship was completely platonic (she swears!), the new friendship gave her the idea to shake Kelley up a bit.  ”These musicians, they are competitive and jealous of each other,” Heigl teased. “[So] over the phone, because he was on tour, I was like, ‘Josh, I’ve got to be honest. I just want to know where we stand because if not, I might try to pursue something with John.’”  She quipped: “[I confessed] probably a year into our marriage. I was like, ‘You got played!’”

First thing’s first, do you think Katherine Heigl is the most universally hated person on the planet? I have never once heard of someone being a Katherine Heigl fan. Guys dont really think she’s hot, girls certainly hate her. All her movies suck. I dont think I’ve ever even heard a positive word about her. Now Anne Hathaway certain has women everywhere that hate her. Nickelback, whether they deserve it or its just kinda become a running joke on the internet to hate them, certainly catches a ton of heat. But none quite like Heigl. I can’t believe she ever found a guy to marry her. I dont think even I’d say yes. No matter how much money she has I think I’d be like “You suck and absolutely nobody likes you. No way I’m gonna be known as the guy married to that.”

She really just embodies the quintessential Seaward. Right? Like if you had to pick one word to define Katherine Heigl it would probably be “cunty.” Not even cunt. You need the y on the end there. And you need to scrunch your nose and your face when you say it like you just smelled a fart. That’s how to describe her. And the only sort of proof you need is a story like this. Basically threatening to fuck one of the greatest cocksman of the music industry in order to extort an engagement ring out of your boyfriend. Thats just fighting dirty. If I was the boyfriend I probably would have been like “Babe, just like the rest of the natural known world, John Mayer hates you. He doesn’t want to fuck you.” But I guess if for some reason you did like Katherine Heigl and didnt want to lose her, the thought of John Mayer putting on Body Is A Wonderland and running his dick through your girl is enough to scare you on to bended knee.

PS. How awesome is this for John Mayer? Your dick scares other dudes into monogamy. Its probably like 6 inches of fear inducing power. No man wants Mayer’s sloppy seconds. No man dare enter territory where Mayer has claimed his stake.

Man Phones in Fake Gunshots To Get Out of Traffic Tickets

Source-Near West Side man was ordered held on $50,000 bail Sunday after prosecutors said he called 911 while pulled over by police and reported a fake shooting in the hope that he could get out of the traffic tickets he was about to be issued. Jorge Navarro Jr., 23, was pulled over by police around 2:40 a.m. Sunday in the 9500 block of South Kilbourn Avenue in suburban Oak Lawn, according to Cook County court records. In the midst of the traffic stop, court records state that Navarro called 911 and said he heard eight gunshots and that a man had been shot and was lying on the ground a few blocks south on Kilbourn. ”Several officers drove to the scene with their emergency lights on,” according to court records. When questioned, Navarro, of the 300 block of South Artesian Avenue, said he had phoned in the fake shooting, according to court records. ”He made the call to get out of several traffic violations,” according to court records. In addition to a felony charge for making the bogus 911 call, court records state that Navarro received tickets for illegal transportation of an open alcohol container, speeding, no seat belt, driving without lights and improper lane usage.

Is there a greater feeling than looking through your rear view mirror, convinced that the police are going to pull you over, see his lights come on, getting that shitty feeling in your stomach thinking about insurance and traffic school and going to court, when right there he drives right past you. And at that moment in your head, even if that cop is driving to an orphanage where 1000 kids have just been Osama Bin Laden’d, all you can think about is, “FUCK YES. Thank you baby Jesus!” Not even remotely considering there may have been some terrorist attack or a terrible tragedy. All that matters is that you don’t have to go to court to pay a fat ass ticket and that your license just avoided taking a hit for a couple points.

Well now imagine that Hollywood movie scenario where you’re pulled over and half way through the traffic stop, they get the emergency call and just leave you there, free to go. Only thing is, you’re the mastermind that pulls it off. You’ve actually got the balls/are dumb enough to try to make this call. Like the kid who dreams of calling in a bomb threat to get out of his final exam. Or the husband who fakes a kidnapping so he can stay out for a few more beers with his buddies. You’re the guy calling in the fake shooting to get out of your speeding ticket. If/when it fails, you’re getting charged with a felony. But if it somehow ever worked, well not only would you have a couple hundred bucks still in your pocket but you’ve got the best story of all time. No guts no glory, man.

Philipino Basketball Player With The Most Spectacular Lizard Haircut You’ve Probably Ever Seen

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Ogie Menor averages 6 points, a rebound and an assist per game over in the Philippines. And I’m pretty sure if I was an NBA GM I’d offer him a contract right now strictly based on this haircut alone. I’d rather see this dude out there than old ass Steve Nash sit on the bench for $9.7 million dollars.

I mean whats more intimidating than a dude with a lizard haircut? Nothing. Thats what. Its like when you’re an asian kid growing up and you’re afraid to play against black kids. Sure, eventually you learn you can always take a charge and they always leave their feet but at first you’re scared as shit. I’m sure Ogie Menor sucks but when you first see him step on the hardwood with a motherfucking lizard on his head, he’s got the edge.

You Know How I Know You’re Gay? You Don’t Like Pitch Perfect

The Bellas? The Treblemakers? CLAY FUCKING MATTHEWS???

Sign me the fuck up. This is like the acapella music version of D2: The Mighty Ducks. Now we’re Team USA. We are all Barden Bellas as its us against the world. And I still want to have sex with Anna Kendrick, Brittany Snow, Anna Camp, and the tall brunette slutty one. Who has somehow gotten even hotter:

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Fat Amy is gonna fuck Bumper Allen, and possibly Clay Matthews. Jesse is going to serenade is with his angelic voice. And I seriously, truly, genuinely hope the Treblemakers win the World Acapella Championship because to be perfectly honest they were robbed at Lincoln Center in Pitch Perfect 1. Its Toner Time.

Saudi Husband Tells His Bride He Wants a Divorce During Their Wedding After Seeing Her Face For The First Time

Source- A Saudi groom has divorced his bride on their wedding night after seeing her face for the first time when the photographer asked them to pose for pictures. The couple, from the Western Saudi town of Medinah, had agreed to marry each other despite having not met face to face – a popular custom in certain Middle Eastern countries. But when the bride removed her veil and smiled for the camera, her new husband leapt to his feet in disgust. ‘You are not the girl I want to marry,’ he declared. ‘You are not the one I had imagined. I am sorry, but I divorce you.’ According to local daily Okaz, the bride immediately collapsed in a fit of tears as panicked wedding guests stepped in to try to resolve the dispute. But their efforts were to no avail. ’The groom said he had not been able to see his bride’s face before marriage,’ Okaz reported. ‘When he divorced her, the bride collapsed and the wedding turned into a night of tears.’ News of the jilting was met with anger on social media. Afra wrote on one social media network: ‘He caused her great pain through his irresponsible attitude, and he deserves to suffer. ’He should appreciate that beauty is in the character, not the face. ’Unfortunately, many young people today are interested only in looks and ignore values and morals. ’May God give her a better husband who will appreciate her for who and what she is.’ Abu Nass added: ‘He is not man enough to assume his responsibilities. He is totally, completely insensitive. ’Nobody has forced him to marry her. He should have insisted on seeing her before the wedding and the engagement, and not wait until the wedding night. ’May he always be a loser and may he be deprived of getting married at all. He is not a man and he lacks basic feelings.’

How does that saying go? I can get a hell of a good look at a T Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take the butcher’s word for it. Sage advice when you’re dealing with steaks or brake pads, but when you’re getting married, you gotta basically stick your head up your wife’s ass. First of all, if she lets you stick anything up her ass, you know she’s a keeper. But secondly, you gotta know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. You gotta know what its like to live with her, sleep with her, eat with her, party with her, fight with her, fuck with her. You gotta know what its like to live with her family and friends. And you certainly have to know if shes fucking ugly or not. Thats like Day 1, first millisecond stuff. You look at her face and decide if she’s ugly or not. You may even keep going even if she is in fact ugly. Ugly girls try harder and maybe she makes up for it in other ways. But you certainly gotta know that before saying I Do. Marrying someone sight unseen is probably the most reckless thing you can do as man.

And as a chick, too. You’re gonna marry some Saudi Arabian sheik or some shit without knowing if you’re hot enough for him? You’re just begging to get instantly divorced. These are the type of guys that buy and sell white virgins like they’re baseball cards, they ain’t gonna be married to ugly chicks. And you gotta have some inkling if you’re ugly, right? Its like this gross bitch just crossed her fingers and was like “I hope he doesn’t divorce me, I hope he doesn’t divorce me, I hope he doesn’t divorce me” as he lifts up the veil. Thats way too risky, you ugly bitch.

Temporary ‘Vacation Breasts’ May Be Here by 2016

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Offering women the ability to test-drive breast implants first led plastic surgeon Norman Rowe to invent the InstaBreast—a “lunchtime lift” offering “instant breast enlargement” that lasts 24 hours, as ABC News puts it. Now he’s hard at work on “Vacation Breasts.” The NYC doctor expects this new augmentation will last two to three weeks, ABC reports, which would work out for a vacation or a special occasion. Rowe isn’t revealing the chemical makeup that would be injected into patients, but he says it’s a saline solution with an additive that’s already used in medical circles for other reasons. Although Rowe is able to increase women’s breast sizes a whole cup to a cup and a half using the InstaBreast procedure, he wanted to prolong the experience, Medical Daily reports.”Twenty-four hours is great, but it’s still just 24 hours,” he tells ABC. He claims it wouldn’t just appeal to women considering bikinis for their next cruise or sending in their RSVP to a wedding or class reunion: He says it would help women who are thinking of getting permanent augmentation to “see what the weight will actually feel like and what it will be like to live with the new breasts.” Rowe says he’s been in touch with the FDA and anticipates getting the procedure to market by 2016. Guys might be able to take advantage of it, too: Rowe suggests they could use the procedure to benefit their pecs and calves.

Temporary Titties! Gotta love modern medicine. We got Ebola outbreaks and cancer still cant be cured and Doctor Norman Rowe over here is just spending his time figuring out how to make dissolving tits. Its a phenomenal idea though. Like dressing up Cinderella for the Ball. Just got some Jewish doctor as your Fairy Godmother waving his wand dressing up those tits so you can land Prince Charming on your vacation. And after a couple weeks the clock strikes midnight and your boobs turn back into plain old A-cup pumpkins.

I love it, to be honest. Chicks dont have to worry about getting a bad boob job. Dont have to worry about their bolt on’s looking bad when they’re old. They just wanna rock some porn star tits for their honeymoon or their trip to Vegas and that, my friends, is awesome. The mom of 2 wants to cut loose and look like a stripper for a couple weeks and now she can do just that and eventually go back to her miserable, boring, flat chested life afterwards. Thats a modern medical miracle.

PS. Absolute slap in the face to say guys may be able to take advantage of this procedure too. Girls aren’t into guys with huge pecs and calves. You know what the guy’s equivalent to a girl with big tits is? A guy with fucking money. Not money. Fucking money.

Dumb Drunk Pornstars Being Dumb Drunk Pornstars


Do you think porn stars are stupid because of the porn? Like do you think they are already dumb and that’s why they become porn stars or do you think they get progressively more stupid because they are porn stars? Like they get the intelligence fucked right out of them? Chicken or the egg situation in my mind.

Or perhaps these chicks are just the dummies of the bunch. Either way this crop of chicks literally bring nothing to the table other than their holes and that is A-OK with me. Those holes provide a very important service. But like that chick at the 55 second mark, Syren De Mer, she lives and breaths cock and that is it. Her declaration “I. LOVE. TO GET FUCKED. IN. MY ASS.” was just laugh out loud funny. Somewhere there’s a father of a daughter that just dropped dead. Like in Hook when Tinkerbell is like “Every time someone says ‘I don’t believe in fairies’ there’s a fairy somewhere that drops dead.” Every time a woman looks dead into the camera and says “I love to get fucked in the ass” a father of a young girl dies.

PS. That’s some gig that Asian guy has, huh?

Guy Sticking Tarantulas In His Mouth

Alright, so fuck THAT. If you watched that entire video, I’m so proud of you. That was tough. We’re in this together. It warms my cold heart to know we just experienced a guy sticking tarantulas in his mouth together. It’s things like that that bring us closer together.

*fist bump turned into handshake turned in to bring it in hand shake that leads into awkward one arm hug that lasts too long

The reason I blogged that video was because it made me wonder if this guy is just in it for the love of the game or not. What I mean by that is would he be doing this if the internet didn’t exist? Just tossing tarantulas and snake-wrapped tarantulas in his mouth like their food for the fun of it? Gut reaction is “no”. He’s just doing it for attention or so that a blogger from Iowa writing on a New York site would share the video. Would Instagram chicks do so many squats if Instagram didn’t exist? The answer is probably not. That’s probably true for most internet things. But something struck me about this particular fella that says he just loves doing it. Not sure what it was. Like if there wasn’t such thing as the internet I’m almost positive he’d just be out in the middle of some jungle stuffing snake-wrapped tarantulas in his mouth. To do something outrageous like that you have to at least enjoy it a little bit. So as much as I wanted to puke up the yoplait and coffee I had this morning watching that, mad respect to him. But still, nightmare shit.

Leonardo DiCaprio 40th Birthday Looked Awesome


Source-Leonardo DiCaprio turns 40 better than you do … ’cause when he does it … he’s surrounded by hot models and A-list celebs in a super-exclusive club. According to sources inside the party … Leo shutdown SoHo House in West Hollywood Tuesday night. His pals Tyrese, Adam Levine, Russell Simmons, and Robin Thicke were there — but more importantly … there was a ton of window dressing. We’re told it was about “80% models” inside the event … which, for Leo, adds up to a very happy birthday.

Not a bad ratio huh? What would you call that? Like if a party with all dudes is a Sausage Fest, Leo Dicaprio’s 40th birthday party with 80% models is what? A Taco Fest? Clam Jam? Tuna Buffet? Pie Eating Contest?

Whatever you wanna call it, its fucking awesome. Considering most of us will celebrate 40 by probably going to Applebee’s with our wife and 2 kids, then heading home and hoping, wishing and dreaming for a blow job only to end up masturbating in bed while your wife sleeps next to you and lowering her night gown so you can catch a glimpse of nipple, I think we can safely assume Leo celebrates that milestone just a tadddd better. My question is how the fuck does Tyrese get in there? The same Tyrese that decided a Koreatown reality show would be a good idea? 80% hot model bitches, 19.9% superstar dudes, 0.1% Tyrese

Anyway here’s my real question. Say somehow you get in the door to this event. You got a golden ticket, you’re in and no way you get kicked out. Could you get laid? Could you spin enough lies and game that one of the models from the 80% of the party would fuck you? You gotta be thinking that any guy inside that place already has a leg up. Chicks will just automatically assume you’re someone important. But then you also gotta realize that as soon as some 10 out of 10 Victoria’s Secret models hear you open your mouth, they probably can instantly tell you’re just some jabroni. Its almost like 80% super models is too much for the average guy. Can I get like 70% super models and 10% regular chicks who are still super hot but will be a little insecure and desperate. So the question is could you Frank Abagnale Jr. this situation and fuck a supermodel at Leonardo Dicaprio’s 40th birthday party?

Unbelievable Cricket Crowd Catch – Spectator Wins $5000

Watch this spectator – Andrew McCulloch win $5000 after catching a SIX off Michael Bracewell one handed!

Bro 5 GRAND for catching a home run ball? I’d go to every fucking cricket game I possibly could. I dont even know if home runs are common in cricket but if we’re giving out five thousand dollars every time you catch one, that would be like my full time job. There was like 11 1/2 people at that game. That little barefoot hobbit barely had any competition.

I dont wanna take anything away from his catch though. Incredible catch. Web Gem, Top 10 sort of stuff. But a 5,000 dollar giveaway is just fucking insane. The celebration was baffling too. Dude throws some high fives and then just goes back to his picnic with his girlfriend. If I just won that kinda dough on a highlight reel catch I’d be going fucking bananas. Only reason to be that calm is if this guy does exactly what I’m saying and he goes to as many games as he can. Maybe this is like the 9th ball he’s caught this year. One away from rounding out a nice $50,000 salary for the year.